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You made it...finally!

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Welcome to the Retroverse! Where the Gamer Dads Fight for Survival

 

Hello...?

Is there anybody Out there?

"If you're seeing this, congrats....you've found the last known signal from the Retroverse. We touched a cursed arcade cabinet. Now we're trapped in a reality held together by pixels, pizza grease, and bad programming."
Sean
...needs a shower
"We don’t know why, but when you laugh at a dad joke, play one of our game recs, or rock one of our retro shirts... something happens. Shredderoni’s systems glitch. Enemies trip over their own code. It's weird, but it works."
Chris
...determined to get out
"Basically, doing dumb stuff helps. And right now, we need all the help we can get."
Sean
...craving a pop tart currently

The Button Said "START OR DIE." So We Started.

Our Story

Sean and Chris here. Dads. Gamers. Retro warriors. We accidentally launched ourselves into a cursed dimension made of broken arcades, glitchy code, and sentient snack monsters. Cool, right? Not really. We found the arcade cabinet.

It blinked. It dared. We pressed. We fell. Into neon cities. Root beer rivers. Pizza skies. All we had was a glitchy connection to Earth. So we made this: a website, a beacon, a resistance hub disguised as a merch and nonsense blog.

Laugh. Play. Wear pixels. Somehow, it helps.

Explore the retroverse >

Unlikely Heroes

Meet The Dads

Beard. No Hair.

I'm Sean, the big ginger beard guy whose hair gave up on him long ago. I pressed one button and now we’re stuck in an AI-glitched arcade hell. Classic me.

Tall. Confused. Running.

I'm Chris, the tall skinny guy just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Pretty sure this is all Sean’s fault.

Beard-Based Decisions

I've been winging it since level one. If it glows, I touch it. If it growls, I apologize and run. Beard first. Questions later.

No Exit Plan

I made a to-do list. Step 1: Don’t panic. Step 2: Already panicking.

We can't fix this alone.

The Retroverse Needs You!

The Retroverse is falling.
The grease is rising.
The Fun Police are out here trying to confiscate sarcasm and replace it with “approved icebreaker questions.”
(Kill us now.)

Shredderoni is oozing across Glitchhaven, Crumbuckets is sauce-launching everything in sight, and somewhere, somehow, DocNostrum’s evil updates are patching away our only chances at survival.

We need your help:

  • Laugh at Bad Jokes
  • Play Recommended Games
  • Wear 8bit Shirts
  • Never Patch Your Soul
Days in the Retroverse
0

What Seems to Help Us!

Patch Tiers

Okay, so listen, we have no idea how the Retroverse actually works.
Seriously. Zero clue.

But somehow, and don’t ask us why, these three things:
bad dad jokes, old-school game recs, and pixel shirts
absolutely wreck Shredderoni’s patches.
Hard.

The Dad Joke Detonator

Cost NO MONIES!
  • Laughter confuses Shredderoni's systems.
  • Cringe physically damages Crumbuckets
  • We don’t make the rules. (Patch probably does.)
Start Laughing >>

Game Recommendations

Cost NO MONIES!
  • Dusting off your favorite glitchy classics.
  • Power-boosting the Retroverse by reliving pixelated glory days.
  • Unlocking ancient glitch energy buried in 8-bit code.
Game Recommendations >>

Pixel Shirt Power-Up

Cost Some Monies
  • Wearing an absurdly cool retro shirt.
  • Emitting chaotic glitch waves directly into the Retroverse.
  • Making Fun Police cry in safe, approved ways.
Gear Up >>