Twitter Tiktok

You made it...finally!

Ctrl Alt
Parent

Welcome to the Retroverse! Where the Gamer Dads Fight for Survival

Hello...?

Is there anybody Out there?

"If you're seeing this, congrats, rookie. You've intercepted the final broadcast from the Retroverse. One joystick. One bad decision. We touched a cursed arcade cabinet... and BOOM, now we're locked in a glitch-ripped dimension built on pixel dust, pizza grease, and code so unstable it could melt your mullet."
Sean
...needs a shower
"We don’t know how, but every time someone rocks one of our retro shirts, Shredderoni glitches. Minions faceplant. The code cracks. It’s like the fabric’s fighting back. So yeah... wear it loud."
Chris
...determined to get out
"Turns out, dumb stuff works. And right now? We need all the glitch-powered chaos we can get."
Sean
...craving a pop tart currently

The Button Said "START OR DIE." So We Started.

Our Story

Sean and Chris here. Just two regular dads. Brothers. Gamers. Then one day !BOOM! we’re face-first in a cursed arcade cabinet. Glitchy code. Broken pixels. Snack monsters with teeth. Welcome to the Retroverse.

It blinked. It taunted. We pressed start. Bad move. We got sucked into neon cityscapes, root beer rivers, and pizza skies. Totally radical? Not when everything’s trying to kill you.

Now we’ve got one busted signal back to Earth. So we built this: part website, part resistance HQ, disguised as a merch shop and blog full of nonsense.

Laugh hard. Play loud. Wear pixels like armor. For some reason, it scrambles the enemy’s code, and keeps us alive.

Explore the retroverse >

Unlikely Heroes

Meet The Dads

Beard. No Hair.

I'm Sean, the big ginger beard guy whose hair gave up on him long ago. I pressed one button and now we’re stuck in an AI-glitched arcade hell. Classic me.

Tall. Confused. Running.

I'm Chris, the tall skinny guy just trying to figure out what the heck is going on. Pretty sure this is all Sean’s fault.

Beard-Based Decisions

I've been winging it since level one. If it glows, I touch it. If it growls, I apologize and run. Beard first. Questions later.

No Exit Plan

I made a to-do list. Step 1: Don’t panic. Step 2: Already panicking.

We can't fix this alone.

The Retroverse Needs You!

We need your help:

The Retroverse is collapsing. Grease levels? Critical. The Fun Police? Actively confiscating sarcasm and replacing it with “icebreaker questions.”

Seriously. Would you rather fight one horse-sized bagel bite or a hundred bite-sized Shredderonis?

Meanwhile:

Shredderoni is oozing across Glitchhaven like a spicy virus.

Crumbuckets is launching marinara missiles at everything that moves.

And DocNostrum? He’s updating reality itself, patch by evil patch, erasing our cheat codes and probably our cholesterol.

  • Laugh at Bad Jokes
  • Play Recommended Games
  • Wear 8bit Shirts
  • Never Patch Your Soul
Days in the Retroverse
0

What Seems to Help Us!

Patch Tiers

Okay, real talk, we have no idea how the Retroverse works.
Like, none. Zilch. It’s all chaos, neon, and exploding ravioli.

But for some reason, and don’t ask us to explain the science, these three things absolutely annihilate Shredderoni’s evil code:

Bad dad jokes. (The groanier, the better.)

Old-school game recs. (Preferably something pixelated and slightly haunted.)

Pixel shirts. (Yes. Our shirts. Apparently they slap.)

Every time someone rocks one? BOOM. Shredderoni’s patches short-circuit like a busted vending machine.

We don’t get it.
We don’t question it.
We weaponize it.

The Dad Joke Detonator

Cost NO MONIES!
  • Laughter confuses Shredderoni's systems.
  • Cringe physically damages Crumbuckets
  • We don’t make the rules. (Patch probably does.)
Start Laughing >>

Game Recommendations

Cost NO MONIES!
  • Dusting off your favorite glitchy classics.
  • Power-boosting the Retroverse by reliving pixelated glory days.
  • Unlocking ancient glitch energy buried in 8-bit code.
Game Recommendations >>

Pixel Shirt Power-Up

Cost Some Monies
  • Wearing an absurdly cool retro shirt.
  • Emitting chaotic glitch waves directly into the Retroverse.
  • Making Fun Police cry in safe, approved ways.
Gear Up >>